say good-buy

sometimes it smacks u right in the face. sometimes it bites u down at the throat. and at all times, it has always hit hard. reality.

this is the realizations i get after receiving some form of enlightenment yesterday. today i realize that i shouldn't easily trust anyone. especially not if it's a salesman. kind of can't help but feel a little used...he kept me believing that there might be something special. but in the end, the truth just comes out. i've been a fool. i trusted him, but all he did was use me. how nice. i know that now. i shouldn't be too nice to people. especially if he's a salesman.

Sweet sadness

Morning was misty and so were the eyes. Secluded from the world by steel walls, this time the experience was unique. It felt like floating on an endless wave. The feeling and the emotion was more real, as if it was touched, as if it was tasted. It was the cry  of  the presence. The shift has happened. Dwelling in the sorrow of absence is replaced with the feelings of presence. All this while, It was about being lonely but not alone. This time it was being alone but not lonely. Tears of presence felt sweeter than the tears of absence.

My traveler heart -1

Yes I like it, but I don’t want to own it, yes it’s sweet but I wont taste it. Yes its killing, but I want to live. Different life; separate routes. I choose to stay on the cross road for a moment, but I am just standing there Oh fellow traveler! I am just admiring the landscape. But I will move on, my journey is endless and I love being in it. So don’t look for me when I go away, I have no reasons to give you, I am as unreasonable as my life. Agreed, it is a pretty sight, let me have a picture of it in my heart and then I will do what travelers do.....I will move on. Hope I'll find you again in a different time and a space.

where are u baby?

bila resah, ingat saat indah.
bila rindu, ku nyanyikan lagumu...


when you are anxious, think of the beautiful moments.
when you are missing someone, sing their song.


well, that's about the best translation i can come up with.
remember once i said something about expectations and not having any? throw that out of the window please.
i'm starting to have some form of expectations now. and i am feeling a little disappointed. i wanted so much for something nice and something different to happen. now i am left wondering what should i do. just sit quiet and mope? why did he do this to me? :(

number 1

first dates. i'm freaking out again. haven't done this properly.
argh.


then comes the scary moment. is there going to be a second date? well.
one step at a time.


i'm nervous as hell, i must admit. haha.

Can a song make you cry ?

The stupid song makes me cry these days , and I am translating it to get over it

"When my eyes searched for you, you were so far away,
but when I closed my eyes and took a moment to think, I found you smiling in my heart.
My heart was with me which I am loosing now, seems something happened to me the moment I got you.
And now I am sitting here, forgetting about everything else, but my confidence in you and I want ages to surpass with you by my side.
I  live looking at you and I will die looking at you. My heart prays for you day and night, I  also pray that the flower of our hope never wilts.
From the moment, I have been colored  in the colours of your love, I sleep while I am awake and I am awake when I sleep. Because I am scared that someone will snatch away my dreams full of your love.
Cry cry cry cry again :( :(
Damn it the girl dies in the end :( :(

lead us not to temptation

oh dear god.

i have been resisting for so long. i can't help it. but i am still holding back.

holding back the yearning to peek into my past. i do not want to. but somehow i feel that i have to.

and then again, i know i am lying to myself so that i won't feel so bad if i did it again.

as of now, this point in time, i have not faltered. each time i see his face smiling at me, i am thinking, i want u back. but. i know that this can't be. my heart has failed to learn the lesson it has to. i have found other distractions and been sent some as well. seemed to have worked for some time, but since the distraction is no where to be found right now, i am at a lost. possibly the best thing for me to do is log out. shut down the damn computer. go to bed. 

GO TO BED! xoxo. good night :)

back to go back

Why do we go back again and again to something, we don’t want to go back to. One fine day we promise our self, “I am not going to do it again” and the next moment “oops I did it again!” It’s like warm molten death by chocolate, you know it’s going to add extra muffins around your waist, but you just can’t resist the temptation.  Before you know, it’s already in your mouth, that’s it. Gluttony, isn’t it one of the 7 sins. They say you should abstain from it. But Gluttony is not just about food or wealth.  It can have a wide spectrum. Am I making sense here? May be lotus can throw some light. Sometimes Gluttony is overindulgence with relationships. Sometimes we just don’t want to let go, we crave for suffering and drama.When that doesn’t happen, life becomes tasteless, monotonous and boring. Is there a way out? Can we survive without drama? Hmmm I’ll let this thought linger with me for a while.

Let me be

Getting a feeling of being controlled in a very subtle way.  Not really a fan of intrusion unless I welcome and cherish it. If I am interested, I will come and ask, no mind games please ,thank you very much. Some breathing space once in a while, is it too much to ask? I need my moments, just me and my life. Brooding on a couch watching a movie, writing or doing nothing.  Please register in your head, from now on if you don't find me online or my phone is out of reach, this means either I am hibernating or may be simply avoiding you.  Don't ask me what , where , when and why. You may not like the answer.

Sex - Yes I used that word in my blog. And no, my blog is not for 18 years and above. This post is for all those men and women in our country who consider sex as taboo.

Well let me ask you a question here. How many of you told your four year old that it’s not right for a person to touch your private part? You should not let anyone touch you, or remove your clothes, or put their hands in wrong places, even if they give you toys and chocolates. How many of you told your kids that if something like that happens they should come and tell you no matter what. Even if the person had threaten them to death.

When was the last time you talked about sex with your kid.

This post is the documentation of my anger and disgust towards those parents who can kill to get the best education and schooling for their kids but fail to give them simple sex education.

This is my hatred towards all those Indians, who consider Sex as taboo. It's my rage and filth for all those twisted brains, who use innocent kids to satisfy their twisted body needs.

I wonder why, we as parents are not able to provide our kids listening. Why can't they come and confide in us. Where are we failing? Isn't it a shame to leave our kids on the mercy of those monsters, because we are not comfortable to talk about sex. Our children suffer; the pain in their eyes goes unnoticed. Why? Because we are living in our own denial, completely ignorant of the fact, that someone who has access to our kids is touching them in wrong places, abusing them brutally.

The shocking discovery is that many times parents know about the dirty laundry. They just don't have courage to open their mouth. In this country, mothers ask their daughters not to utter a word, because the monster is someone with a big hold in the family. He can be a bread winner, shelter provider, or a boyfriend.

What are we ashamed of? Can’t we open our eyes and see what is at stake? Can the risk of sexually abused kid developing into dysfunctional adult be completely ignored because in India act of sex before marriage or talking about sex is forbidden? Where are we going on the name of culture?

Why did talking out loud about a simple bodily desire become transgression? Our children are not safe, any cousin, milkman or tutor can abuse them. And the worst part is that we are not ready to fight for it. Just because, we are ashamed.

ASHAMED of what?

Ever wonder what happens to those kids when they grow up. I have seen how dysfunctional they are. They punish themselves for the sin they did not do. They block access to human from their life. They lack faith, they shut life, and they shut love.

Are we born to create this? All the innocence on stake, just because someone once decided that talking out loud about sex is taboo.

Demonic interventions

Danger Danger Danger ! Its knocking my door, I can see it.
I am stepping into it. But I am well equipped !
Something is calling me, I am still not sure. Its all my weakness put in one attractive box, gift wrapped in red and gold.
I was enjoying it thoroughly, but then I saw a small thread of attachment and that thread is the epicenter of low levels of tremors I am going through.
Oh Shut up now.  Stop putting meanings and stories.

now

a moment of sadness. a moment of weakness. i say it's my body. i say it's my emotions. i blame my endocrine system.
do i dare say it is love?


it was a sweet dream. the thoughts of u never left me. the scents are still clear in my mind. however hard i try, i fail to erase the thoughts of you. no matter how time has passed, the pain is there.
pain.
it doesn't hurt anymore, reduced immensely.
i can now see it as a beautiful memory which will never leave me.


the pieces of you i keep, i will retain forever.
the pieces of me which i have lost, i wish to not gain back.
to grow with this love inside of me is a difficult task, however, this is the path i choose.
the flowers on the way side seem to be blooming again, i have learnt to smile and hide the sadness.
someday, maybe.
for now, i'll be. just be.

just like a tattoo

what are we without scars? scar tissue. it's ugly. it's horrific. it's a piece that reminds us of the past. how u choose to live with it, is entirely yours. some people cherish it. some try to remove it. some can't look at it. some try to cover it up. the unseen scars u have in your mind and soul may burden your very being, however, think about it. what are we without our scars?

Have yourself a merry little moment.....

Hello world, are you ready to enter into the deep and twisted tunnels of your thoughts. Let me introduce you with the new blog in the block " gimme a moment " an interactive blog where you and I can share anything under the sun.You may find darkness in our stories, but once in a while you may also find the sparks of lights. You may think that we suffer from split personality disorders. But then again who doesn't ? Look at yourself, try to define who you are? You undestand, what am I saying? Which one of these are you, the person who is sad because he wants happiness or the person who is happy and still finds himself gloomy one evening.
 May be you are a classy dame, living in a white Pickett fenced house with a big garden. Still once in a while when you are cooking heavenly stew in your kitchen, you feel like you want to spend rest of your life travelling.
May be you are not one of them. Go down further explore some more. Answer me this. Are you  a confused soul? Do you  feel lost every once in a while? Do you wake up in the morning and think that  you are too good to be born on earth ? Do you get heart attack when you realize that the chick dress  you purchased a month back is now  on sale at 70% reduced price. Do you feel uncomfortable when you realize that you left your lipgloss in the car? Have you ever been the victim of pent up emotions? Do you love someone and don't get back the same in return? Do you love someone and get it back but then you realize that perfection smothers you? Do you get agitated when you hear that millions of people died in Tsunami?  Do you feel like running away?  In short Do you question your existence?

Well if you can relate your self to any of this or if you belong to some other universe and galaxy we welcome you to join us in this journey. This blog is about moments, spontaneity, kinetics and thoughts. At this juncture I am not able to tell you what we are going to share. Why? Because I don't know. But I can assure, things will be unpredictable,crazy ,funny. Things can be dark or evil or tabooas well, but I am certain it will linger with you for a moment.

What do we get, when we cross a cow and a cow? 2 cows. Simple! But the scientist will say hey, wait a minute, what happened to good old Mendel's law. So now, you can't just cross a Cow and a Cow, it has to come with shape, colour, patch, skin coat, texture etc. Or the blond next door will say " Babe! we don't want  two cows to be cross at each other, world is still not ready for armageddon". Does it occur to you that you do it all time, you are a classical story maker. I bet a scientist will never get what blond thinks of above situation and the blond will never understand why scientist has to make things so complicated. And then based of what they did not understand, they will judge, put tags. Scientist will become emotionless geeks and blond will be brainless beauty.
Do you judge?
How many times did you put these tags to people: nerd, selfish, smartass, bitch, pervert or slut. I bet they would have done the same to you. Oh and the tags are not limited to what I mentioned above, I am sure someone can make a Webster out of it.
But while you go through all this every day, day after day, do you realize how overworked your brain is? You need to stop and give your self a moment. You deserve a break. You deserve a moment..a fresh non judged pure moment.
 Lets put your overworked brain to rest for a day and then as the new day starts, lets indulge you in this fun exercise. You will be  counting  how many times during the day you judged someone. If you want to have some entertainment out of your scam, leave your count in the comment box. Dont worry, you are not the only judge.I am sure we are going to collect some interesting data here.You can even mention what made you judge and why ?
Be ready for virtual gift at the end of the game. All rite then time for me to say ta-ta ...
See you with something new.

~Vani